The First Cut Is The Deepest
by River9Noble
Summary: **Lots of potential triggers. Complete list at beginning of story.** Catwoman's had a rough day and stealing just isn't cutting it tonight, so she turns to an old frenemy that cuts deeper. Batman tries to intervene, but when he's been keeping Cat at arm's length since they met, will she let him help? CatwomanXBatman, Selina Kyle x Bruce Wayne. One-shot.


_A/N This story has pretty dark themes and contains many potential triggers. Please read the following carefully before proceeding. This was a therapeutic write for me but I didn't feel comfortable posting this story without listing resources for help, too. Fanfiction won't allow links even spelled out, but they are all easily found on google. _

_**TRIGGER WARNING: CUTTING (GRAPHIC DESCRIPTIONS)**_

_**I would not be a responsible author if I did not say that if you are a cutter or are considering it, there are many healthier coping skills to be learned that will set you free whereas cutting becomes an addiction that eventually owns you. I ought to know. I'm a former cutter. I STRONGLY encourage you to seek professional assistance from skilled mental health workers if you are in this position.** _

_**TRIGGER WARNING: SUICIDAL IDEATION **__(meaning thinking about it but not necessarily planning to carry it out.) _

_**Suicide is the most heartbreaking ending possible to a life, for both you and your loved ones. I have been suicidal many a time and checked myself into hospitals and I am here, happy and whole on the other side, to tell about it. I also lost a dearly loved friend to suicide years later and the pain from that is never-ending. __**If you are currently suicidal and a danger to yourself, please call 911 and/or check yourself into your nearest emergency room if you are capable of getting there safely. **_

_**The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 **__provides 24/7, free and confidential support for people in distress, prevention and crisis resources for you or your loved ones, and best practices for professionals. _

_**The Trevor Project**__ is the leading national organization providing crisis intervention and suicide prevention services to lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer & questioning (LGBTQ) young people under 25. __Our trained counselors are here to support you 24/7. If you are a young person in crisis, feeling suicidal, or in need of a safe and judgment-free place to talk, call the TrevorLifeline now at __**1-866-488-7386. ** _

_**TRIGGER WARNING: **__**CHILDHOOD SEXUAL ABUSE and a sadly realistic miscarriage of justice**_

_**RAINN** is the website for the __**National Sexual Assault Hotline: Free, Confidential, 24/7. Get help at 800-656-HOPE (4673). **_

_**Stop It Now!**__ prevents the sexual abuse of children by mobilizing adults, families and communities to take actions that protect children before they are harmed. They provide support, information and resources to keep children safe and create healthier communities. Since 1992, they have identified, refined and shared effective ways for individuals, families and communities to act to prevent child sexual abuse before children are harmed - and to get help for everyone involved. _

_**Darkness to Light**__ is a non-profit committed to empowering adults to prevent child sexual abuse. Our work is guided by the vision of a world free from child sexual abuse, where children can grow up happy, healthy and safe. We know that prevention is possible, and we believe that it is an adult responsibility to protect children. _

_**If you are a minor (which you shouldn't be, as this has an M rating, but in case you have disregarded that) your __**school guidance counselor**__ is an excellent resource to ask for help if you are suicidal, cutting, experiencing major depression or addiction, sexually assaulted, or being abused. Yes, they will have to notify your parents or guardians. But, they can also talk to your parents for you and with you, call social services if your parents are abusive, and make referrals for therapy and mental health services for you and your parents, some of which your school district may have grants in place to pay for. _

_**DISCLAIMER: **__Killing people for any reason is immoral, illegal, and a terrible, terrible idea. This is a work of FICTION. Do not kill people, period. As you will see, the main character's choices lead her down a spiraling descent of depression. I repeat, this is a FICTIONAL situation and a FICTIONAL solution by the main character to said FICTIONAL situation which even in this FICTIONAL world has serious consequences to her soul and psyche. __**If you are a threat to others or yourself, call 911 and you will be checked into a psychiatric ward to be stabilized.**_

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_End of lengthy warnings. Having said all that, this story has a happy ending because I only write sad and angsty if it ends happy. The real world is sad enough. My fictional world shall work out happily in the end without fail. _

_Oh, one last note - this is an AU where Catwoman as Selina Kyle has a very different day job than normal. Right now, this is just a one-shot. I may add chapters or write a sequel later, though._

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_**The First Cut is the Deepest**_

Catwoman heard the scuff of his boots on the concrete rooftop in the moonlight and knew it was on purpose. He probably wanted to make sure he didn't startle her so she fell, she thought to herself.

She lifted her head to regard him. "I'm not in the mood tonight, Bats," she said, brandishing her bloody knife as she spoke. She returned her gaze to her work on her arm without waiting for an answer.

Batman spoke as she began to make another cut. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"Nope," Cat answered as she drew her knife through her skin, hissing in satisfaction as the pain bit into her, following her blade as it traced the thin line between her and fifty-four stories to the ground.

"Can I help?" Batman asked, slowly moving a little closer, but not too close because she was sitting awfully close to the edge.

"You really can't," Catwoman said bitterly. "And even if you could have, it's not like I had a way to contact you to ask," she added bluntly, with not a small amount of resentment and hurt in her voice. He stopped moving.

"What happened, honey?" he asked her gently. Cat gave a short sarcastic laugh and raised her eyes back up to his.

"I'm not your 'honey,'" she spat at him. "I'm not your anything. As you've made abundantly clear to me over the last six months."

"You're my friend," he quietly contradicted her, earning him a snort.

"Bullshit," Cat said. "Friends have ways to contact each other. Friends actually give a shit about each other before things go to hell. Hell, friends know each other's names. I'm just someone you were hoping to fuck," she finished angrily.

"That doesn't mean I don't care about you," Batman insisted.

"Wrong," Cat said. "It means you care about you and what you can get from me. Which is nothing. Go flap your cape at someone else, Bats. I'm done with you."

Batman didn't answer her but slowly moved to lean against the roof's walled edge, keeping a good amount of space between the two of them so she wouldn't feel threatened. Cat ignored him and began another cut.

He didn't talk as she continued slicing her arm, adding another oozing gash to the army of red soldiers already present.

"Fuck you, anyway," Cat said when she finished the one she was on, turning her head to look at him. "Sometimes killing is the only way." Batman inhaled sharply.

"Did you kill someone?" he asked her, trying to keep his voice calm and unruffled.

"Yep," Catwoman answered. "You want to know why?"

"Yes," Batman said.

"Because the justice system doesn't work. The justice system convicted him and then slapped him on the wrist and sent him home and reunited him with his eight year old daughter who he would have raped again tonight as soon as he got her back in his clutches. So don't you sit there and tell me there's a better way, because there was no other way. Not even you could have done anything to save her." Batman frowned.

"I could have taken her from the home," he said.

"Nope," Cat said. "Felony kidnapping charge for that. And she already needs a lifetime of therapy. You think you could just rehome her somewhere and not have her tell her new therapist the truth? She would have been sent right back home to him and you'd be run out of Gotham."

"Child services -" Batman started to say.

"She was _in_ child services, asshole," Catwoman said. "That's what I'm trying to tell you. She was in the system. Put in foster care. Daddy was convicted. Sent to a year of therapy. Declared rehabilitated and he just won back custody. Do not _tell_ me there was another solution to killing him. He'd already been through the system and they chose not to jail him." Bats groaned in heartsick frustration.

"I could have taken _him_, then, and jailed him somewhere out of the country. Where he couldn't get out."

"Well, I repeat, _fuck. you._" Catwoman hissed. "How helpful it would've been if I had your phone number at oh, say, 2:30 p.m. when the judge was issuing the ruling and social services was being ordered to return her home tonight by 7. So don't you dare sit there and judge me for murdering people, asshole. You think I wouldn't have found another way if I could have? There was no other way. Because you're a selfish prick."

Batman was silent.

"Just go," Cat muttered.

"Are you going to be all right?" Bats asked her, worried. She gave another caustic laugh.

"We'll see…" she said ominously, staring down at her arm. Batman didn't move.

Cat didn't speak again but she didn't cut another line, either, and dropped her gaze to the ground.

"I'm sorry," Batman said finally in a gravelly voice. "I wish -" he paused. "I don't kill because it puts a stain on your soul. I never would have wished that on you, Cat," he said with genuine grief. "Up here on the rooftops at night, flirting with you when we cross paths, fighting with super criminals who end up in the Asylum, not in prison… I forget that there's another world out there, sometimes."

"Yeah, well, I live in that world," Catwoman said flatly. "And I abide by the rules and I work in the system and I work with the system and I do every single goddamn thing I can legally do to help these kids, and today it was not enough. You pretend that you can keep your hands so clean, Bats, but that's only because you won't lower them to deal with the actual shit that the rest of us are mired in. My soul was getting stained one way or another today because you weren't there. You're never there. Not when I want you and definitely not when I need you." She glared at him angrily.

"And maybe I am cutting my arm to ribbons right now," she went on, "and maybe I am thinking about taking a tumble, but I would pay this price any day over letting that little girl be raped one more time. But don't sit there and pretend that you're not responsible, too." Batman sighed heavily.

"I am," he admitted. "And I am selfish and a prick. All of that."

"I _know_," Cat said.

"Come home with me?" Batman asked her.

"And then what?" Cat asked suspiciously.

"I think you know what," he answered slyly. She huffed out an irritated breath.

"I mean after tonight. Then what? We date? Publicly? As our civilian selves?"

"Yes," Bats answered her.

"Even though I just killed some people?" she asked him guardedly.

"Yes," he said. "We already established that was my fault." A glimmer of a smile touched the corner of Cat's lips.

"You'll tell me who you really are under there?" she asked again, to be sure.

"Yes," Batman said again. Cat pursed her lips up, then shook her head.

"You'll be mad at me for who I hired to kill them. You won't want to date me when I tell you." Bats frowned.

"I thought you did the killing… and them? Who all is them? More than her father?"

"Hiring a hitman is conspiracy to commit murder," Cat said seriously. "Not doing the physical deed myself doesn't make me less of a murderer."

"No, it doesn't," Batman agreed. "But who else did you have killed? Why more than her father?"

"Well," Catwoman said, "I wanted the criminal judge who sentenced the dad to therapy instead of jail killed, and the family court judge killed who reinstated his custody - if they do that for him, they'll do it for other child rapists," she said as if laying out her case, "and despite the absolute moral wrongness of their decisions, they're not _legally _in the wrong. And the only way to remove judges is by ballot, and you _know_ Gothamites don't vote and the elections are rigged anyway and they're not even coming up soon. And then Harley pointed out that the girl's mom hadn't divorced the dad and even if we killed pops, mom would more than likely end up dating another child rapist because that's her M.O. So we decided to kill her, too." Bruce had started eyeing her very uncomfortably.

"You… hired… _Harley Quinn?_" he said to Cat incredulously and with a certain amount of angry judgment in his voice.

"Yes, Bats, I hired Harley Quinn!" Cat repeated in exasperation. "Because I am squeamish and didn't want to do it myself, and I knew that I could probably find Harley at Joker's club on short notice. Which I did and she agreed to do it and she's nothing if not thorough and I trusted her to get it done right away."

"Cat…" Batman said slowly, clearly unhappy. "What about Joker? Didn't it occur to you that he might get involved? He's likely to kill the girl, too, and everyone in her apartment building at the same time!" Cat glowered at him, furious at his Dark Knight tone of wrath.

"I'm not an idiot, asshole! Of course I knew Joker would get in on it. That's why I asked _him_ for permission to hire Harley. And I made them promise no collateral damage or I would get you to throw Harley in Arkham without him."

"And they believed you could persuade me to do that?" Batman growled at her. Cat fluttered her eyelashes.

"They absolutely did, _honey_," she said icily. "And they also promised me not to kill them in front of the girl or let her see the bodies because I didn't want her re-traumatized."

"And you believed them," Batman ground out in disbelief.

"Yes, actually, I did, because unlike you, I know how to talk to people and how to work with people and how to negotiate a mutually beneficial deal that both parties are motivated to uphold," Cat snarled.

"You sound like a lawyer," Batman muttered in annoyance.

"I _am_ a lawyer!" Cat snapped at him. "For foster children. And a fat lot of good it's done killing myself to get through law school and working my ass off night and day on every single case I can to help these kids when this is the end result." She looked down at her bleeding arm and then glanced over her shoulder at the few functioning streetlights far below them.

Batman darted sideways and clamped his hands around her forearm in a vise-like grip that made her cry out in pain as he pulled her forward from her precarious cross-legged position on the narrow roof ledge. She stumbled against his chest as he yanked her to safety, screaming and cursing at him since he had grabbed her injured arm.

"What the _hell_ is the matter with you?" she yelled at him as he wrapped his left arm securely around her waist before finally releasing his right hand's painful hold on her arm.

"What the hell is the matter with _you?_" he yelled back at her. "Thinking of killing yourself? What the fuck, Cat, don't you dare even - I will handcuff you to my bed for the next year if I have to!" Catwoman blinked at him.

"If you'd done that three months ago we wouldn't even be in this situation," she grumbled bitterly.

"I know," Batman said. "I'm sorry." He bent his head down and kissed her roughly as her arms slid up and around his neck.

"You're not mad about Harley and the Joker?" she asked him when they pulled apart.

"I'm furious," Bats muttered. "But mostly at myself," he added, resting his cowl-covered forehead on hers. "Move in with me?" he asked her. She laughed in some disbelief.

"What, now you want to take things fast?" she asked him.

"Yes," he answered her before deciding that his tongue could make a far more persuasive argument than his words.

"So I should just give up _my _apartment and move _my _things and disrupt _my _life to accommodate you?" Cat said skeptically when Batman let her use her mouth again. "I don't think so. That's still putting yourself first," she growled. "And then who's out on her ass when one of decides this isn't working out? Oh, that's right - _me_." Batman groaned in frustration.

"I can't move in with you," he protested, "I need easy access to the BatCave."

"Well, too bad," Catwoman said. "I guess you don't get what you want, then. Which is I'm not exactly sure what, at this point. To protect me? To fuck me? To date me? To make yourself feel less guilty for being a shitty person?"

"Hey," Bats said defensively. "What's wrong with wanting all of the above?" Catwoman shook her head.

"You can want it all, but you can't have it all on your terms. That's not fair to me."

"Well," Batman said, sliding his hands seductively along her lower back, "what terms would you suggest then, _Counselor?_ I'm open to negotiation," he said, lowering his mouth to kiss her some more. Cat sighed thoughtfully when she finally turned her face to the side to concentrate, which wasn't easy with Bats still kissing her cheek and neck, but slightly easier than when they were lip-locked.

"First," she said after thinking it through, "you show me who you are under the cowl. Tonight."

"Only if you show me, too," he countered teasingly. Cat rolled her eyes.

"Obviously. Second," she continued, "you do not _ever_ cheat on me, or I will tell Joker who you are and help him kill you."

"That's fair," Batman said, smiling a little bit. "And I've never been a cheater. Just a commitment-phobic player."

"Oh, lovely," Catwoman said dryly. "Why am I not surprised," she added.

"Same deal for you if you cheat?" Batman asked her, clearly taking their negotiations Very Seriously.

"Of course," Cat said breezily. "But I don't cheat, either."

"Good," Bats said, nuzzling her ear.

"Wait," Catwoman said seriously. Batman stopped showering her with affection and looked at her.

"What?" he asked her.

"You can't use the same deal for me if I cheat because you don't believe in killing people," Catwoman pointed out. Bats sighed lightly.

"Fine, then I'll throw you in Arkham and let you rot," he compromised. "Deal?"

"Yes," she said. "For that point. Moving on," she said. "We date for at least three months, publicly, as our civilian selves, before having sex."

"Ok," Batman said easily. Cat stared at him.

"Seriously?" she said.

"Sure," he said. "I'm a gentleman," he grinned. She still looked suspicious.

"And you can't cheat on me during that time," she stipulated. Batman did get offended, then.

"_Obviously_, I'm not going to cheat on you if we're _dating,_" he snarked at her. "Do you really think I'm that despicable? Or sex addicted? I know how to masturbate," he glowered at her.

"Ok, ok," Cat said defensively. "I'm just clarifying terms. Not all men are as … _gentlemanly_… as you," she purred up at him, getting some of the tension to ease out of his face.

"Well, I was raised right," Batman said virtuously, "even if I have ignored most of my guardian's good advice about women until now," he smirked, getting another snort from Cat.

"Now _that_ I can believe," she said, leaning into him to press her cheek against his.

"Anything else?" Batman asked her, rubbing her back again. Cat hesitated.

"Um… despite all of my previous flirting, up to and including two minutes ago… I _might_ actually want to get married before we have sex. But I'm not sure yet," she said honestly and in a quieter voice. Bats jumped a little bit at that but he recovered quickly.

"Oh," he said politely. "You want to get married in three months, then, or wait longer?"

"I don't know," Catwoman muttered, embarrassed now. Bruce turned his face to look at her.

"Have you had sex before?" he asked her gently.

"Yeah," Catwoman sighed. "But … well…" her eyes filled with tears. "I was raped as a kid," she mumbled.

"Oh, honey," Batman said and this time Cat didn't bitch at him about it but leaned into his hug as he held her tight and stroked the back of her head. She sniffed into his shoulder and squeezed her arms around his muscular chest as if he was her anchor.

"I put off having sex for so long because of that," Cat said softly after a minute, turning her head to look at him again. "But I fell in love with this guy in law school and then I wanted to, and I was so happy with him and the sex was great, but…" she trailed off for a minute.

"He broke my heart," she went on in a tight voice. "I thought we'd get engaged and get married, but instead the month before graduation he told me that he wasn't ready to settle down and he wanted to break up and date other people." Cat coughed out something between a disbelieving laugh and a sob.

"How do you do that?" she asked Batman. "There was nothing wrong with our relationship. We were happy. I would've moved to whatever city he wanted to find a job in because there's children's law services everywhere. But he just wanted me to be his law school girlfriend and then he wanted to move on without me. Just because," she said, her eyes filling with tears.

"He threw me out," she said, wiping her eyes. "Out of selfishness. He used me and tossed me out when he was done. Well, I _wasn't_ done," she said angrily. "And I never would have fucked him if I thought it would end like that," she added. "I felt less cheap when I was being raped," Cat said brokenly. "Because at least I didn't do that to myself. But I chose to have sex with my boyfriend, knowing it was a big deal to me, and we dated for a long time first without it, too, and in the end - it just destroyed me," she said, looking down.

"I am a giant motherfuckin' asshole," Bats said to her, cradling her face in his hands.

"How is this about you again?" Cat said in a breathy whisper, but there was a slight chuckle to her voice.

"Because I'm the asshole who's been wanting to fuck you, no names, no faces, no commitment, no way to contact each other. And I didn't even think about what that might do to you," Batman said honestly, rubbing her cheeks with his thumbs.

"Well, I didn't let you," Cat murmured.

"Yeah, but I really do like you," Batman said to her. "A _lot_. And I still never thought about you as a whole person with complicated feelings about sex. Or as someone who deserved a normal relationship."

"And, you've undoubtedly been fucking other women this whole time since we weren't," Cat pointed out.

"Well, yeah," Batman muttered, embarrassed. She sighed.

"I'm a lot to handle, Bats," she said, "and I have heavy baggage. I think I might be too much for you," she said sadly, pushing off of him and turning away.

"You're not," he said, wrapping his arms around her waist from behind and snuggling her into him. "You're who I want to be with," he growled in her ear. "And you make me want to be a better person." Cat sniffed a little bit as some more tears filled her eyes. She leaned back into Batman and laid her hands over his arms on her stomach.

"And you would wait to have sex if I want to?" she asked him.

"Yes," he said, kissing her cheek. "But I don't want some ridiculously long engagement in that case. We get married no more than twelve months from now. Deal?"

"Deal," Cat murmured back. Batman hugged her tighter to him.

"Deal to all of it?" he asked her. "Are we engaged now?" Cat giggled.

"Yes," she said. "As soon as you take your cowl off."

"Most girls want an engagement ring, you know," Batman teased her. "Not a cowl."

"I'm not most girls," Cat grinned.

"That's why I like you," Bats said, turning her around to face him and giving her a quick kiss before stepping back and lifting off his cowl. Cat sucked her breath in. Hard.

"Holy shit," she murmured, staring into the face of billionaire Bruce Wayne. "I should've asked for an engagement ring after all," she said deadpan. Bruce smiled at her.

"I'm still getting you one, you know," he said. Cat bit her lip.

"Or I could steal one that I really like," she suggested.

"As I said, I'll be buying you an engagement ring," Bruce said, his eyes twinkling as they crinkled up a little bit around the edges in amusement.

"You know I'm probably never gonna stop stealing stuff, right?" Cat asked him nervously.

"I know," Bruce sighed. "But I'll appease my conscience by making large donations to wherever you steal from." Cat giggled and then took a deep breath before she lifted her mask off.

"Damn," Bruce said appreciatively when he got his first look at her. "Your whole face is just as beautiful as the lower half of it," he said sincerely, making her giggle again as she wrapped her arms around his neck to kiss Gotham's former most eligible bachelor.

"What's your name?" he asked her suddenly. "I'm assuming you know mine," he teased. Cat smiled.

"I'm Selina. Selina Kyle. Esquire," she added with a wink.

"Well, it's a pleasure to finally meet you, Selina Kyle, Esquire," Bruce said tenderly, rocking her gently in his arms.

"You, too, Bruce Wayne," Selina said, shaking her head with a smile at the craziness of who her fiancé was.

"Is it too soon to say 'I love you'?" Bruce asked her.

"I don't know, do you mean it?" Selina said curiously.

"I do," Bruce said honestly. "I didn't know I did until I saw you cutting," he admitted. "_Shit!_" he exclaimed suddenly. "Let me patch your arm up, honey," he ordered, pulling first aid supplies out of his BatBelt. Cat obediently held her arm out to him, some of the blood now dried and caked on her skin.

Bruce wiped the skin down with a disinfectant towel, causing her to hiss in pain. "I'm sorry, baby," he murmured gently as he carefully scrubbed the mess off and cleaned the cuts.

"Fuck, that hurts," Cat murmured, blinking away some tears.

"It hurt when you did it, though, right?" Bruce asked her. "Why is this different?" He was genuinely curious and also trying to distract her a little bit as he worked. Cat laughed, but it was an empty, bitter sound.

"I'm in control of the pain when I do it," she said. "And when I'm doing it, it's because what's inside me hurts more. So cutting actually makes me hurt _less_, if that makes sense, because then I'm focused on the physical pain instead of the emotional pain."

"Mm," Bruce said noncommittally. "How's that work out for you in the long run?" Cat sighed.

"Not well," she admitted. "It becomes an addiction just like drugs. And then it owns me instead of me controlling it and I end up hating it and hating myself."

"I still think you should move in with me," Bruce said as he started spraying a wound sealer up and down Cat's arm. "Keep your apartment," he said. "But I don't want you living by yourself when you're going through all this."

"Well…" Cat said, considering. "I mean, you do have a mansion, I guess, so I could have my own room. For the next year," she winked.

"The next year or _less_," Bruce reminded her. "And, yes," he said. "You could have as many rooms as you want. It's not like they're doing much besides gathering dust," he grinned at her.

"Can I hang my Catsuit in the BatCave?" she asked mischievously.

"Of course," Bruce grinned at her. "Right next to the BatSuit where it belongs," he said sincerely, lifting her hand up to kiss the palm. Cat sighed happily.

"I love you, too," she said.

"Do you mean it?" he asked her.

"Yes," she said. "You had me at handcuffs."

"Technically, they're BatCuffs," Bruce said.

"Technically, you had me at your apology and kiss, but 'you had me at handcuffs' sounded cuter," Cat said.

"Oh," Bruce said, slightly disappointed. Cat laid her hand on his cheek.

"You can still totally handcuff me on our honeymoon," she said to him. "With your BatCuffs," she added for clarification.

"Deal," Bruce said, sealing it with a kiss.

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_A/N Thanks for reading, and please review! For more Bruce, check out some of my other stories... _

_HQ: Harleen Quinzell series - a comedic series featuring an angsty Bruce (is there any other kind, really?) in HQ4: Harleen Quinzell, Grief Counselor_

_Red, White, and Harley - A Jason Todd v Bruce angsty exploration of family drama, with a side of romance for Jason. And, its in-progress sequel ... _

_Red Knight Takes Queen's Bishop - Told more from Bruce's perspective, the continuing story with Jason. Oh, and Bane. Lots of Bane._

_I Do Believe in Faeries - light on Bruce, but a sweet Bruce-Jason family dynamic as an antidote to all the angst. And JasonXTim slash. _


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